There’s a compliment that feels good and a compliment that actually helps. Most people don’t know the difference.
When you tell someone “You’re so smart” or “You’re naturally talented,” it sounds kind. But research from educational psychologist Carol Dweck shows that kind of praise actually backfires. It creates what’s called a fixed mindset — where the person starts to believe their ability is just something they were born with, not something they can grow. And when that person hits a wall? They crumble. Because if you’ve been told you’re gifted, a struggle feels like proof you’re not.
Effort praise works completely differently. Telling someone “You worked really hard on that” or “The way you kept trying different approaches was impressive” does something deeper. It tells them exactly what they did to succeed — and more importantly, what they can do again. According to the American Psychological Association, effort-based praise tends to lead to more persistence, stronger intrinsic motivation, and greater resilience when things get hard.
Think about what that means in real life. If you hype up a friend’s “natural talent” before a big test or game, and then they bomb it — they have nowhere to go. But if you’ve been saying “you’ve been putting in the work,” a setback feels survivable. It even feels useful. They know what to do more of.
And here’s the part people really miss: how you praise someone now can affect whether they trust your feedback later. Empty compliments — telling someone they’re great when they haven’t actually done anything great — can make them doubt you over time. They start wondering if you’re just saying nice things. But genuine recognition of real effort builds credibility. When you do say something encouraging, they believe it.
So next time someone you care about does something well, skip “you’re a natural.” Say what you actually saw. “You stayed up late to get that right.” “You didn’t quit when it got hard.” “You kept adjusting until it worked.”
That’s not just nicer. It’s actually useful to them.