When someone you care about is going through something hard, the instinct is to help. And “help” usually means advice. “You should do this.” “Have you tried that?” “Here’s what I would do.”
But here’s the thing — that instinct, as well-meaning as it is, often makes the other person feel worse, not better.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (covered by Psychology Today) found that unsolicited advice was given in about 70% of cases when someone expressed distress — and it was typically offered early in the conversation, often before the person had even finished explaining what was wrong. Even wilder? The closer people felt to someone, the faster they jumped in with advice. Intimacy basically triggers this automatic “fix it” reflex.
So what should you do instead?
Before you say anything else, ask: “What’s that like for you?”
That’s it. Four words. But they do something really powerful — they tell the other person that you’re here to understand them, not just solve them. You’re treating their experience like it matters on its own, not just as a problem to be cleared off the table.
When you jump straight to solutions, it can feel to the other person like you’re treating their life like a check engine light — something to diagnose and fix, not something to actually sit with. Prioritizing listening first, without judging or immediately correcting, is what actually builds trust. And trust is what makes someone actually want your input later.
Here’s the move: let them talk. Ask follow-up questions. Show them you get it. Only then — if they actually want advice — should you offer any. And honestly? A lot of the time, people don’t want advice at all. They want to feel heard. Once they do, they often figure out what to do on their own.