Here’s something improv actors figured out a long time ago that most people never learn: the word ‘but’ is a conversation killer.
When you say ‘yes, but…’ you’re technically agreeing, but what the other person hears is a rejection. Their idea just got shut down. The ‘yes’ barely registers — the ‘but’ is what lands. And once someone feels shut down, they stop contributing. They get defensive. The whole thing stalls.
‘Yes, and’ does the opposite. You accept what they offered, and then you build on it. That’s it. That’s the whole move. But a conflict and collaboration instructor at the University of Utah’s law school teaches this as a core principle because it genuinely changes how people interact with each other. It’s not just a feel-good trick.
The difference in practice is small but the effect is huge. Say your friend suggests a plan you’re not totally sold on. ‘Yeah, but that’s gonna be expensive’ closes the door. ‘Yeah, and we could make it cheaper if we…’ keeps it open. You’re still raising your concern — you’re just not blowing up the collaboration to do it.
The shift from ‘yes, but’ to ‘yes, and’ can help people listen more attentively, engage more effectively, and collaborate more efficiently — even though it only changes one word. That’s kind of wild when you think about it.
You don’t have to fake agreement you don’t feel. ‘Yes, and’ isn’t about pretending everything is a great idea. It’s about staying in the game with the other person instead of stepping out of it. Once people feel like you’re with them, they’re a lot more open to hearing where you want to push back or change course.
Try it in your next group project or even just a text thread. Notice how differently the conversation flows.